Long time no see...

Long time no post. I know I’m a bad blogger but I was finding it hard to post the last few months. It’s been a weird trip for me these last few months. When I have been able to afford to go to pole class I have been very happy, the problem is right now I just can’t afford to go. So the few times I have gone in the last few months I feel like I have completely lost all of my momentum I gain in those first few months. *sigh* I know that if I was working out at home I might have been able to maintain some of the strength I had built but I just can’t do it. Working out at home bores me so much. I hate it. I know this comes down to self-discipline and just making myself do it, but I’m not there yet mentally.  I have lots of excuses to not work out, and then I don’t work out, then I get depressed about losing my strength that if I try to work out I’m so put off by how little I can do that I get more depressed and then I just stop working out so I’m not upset with myself. It’s stupid, I know it, but it is also how it is. It is all i can do sometimes to be positive like the picture above states.

Luckily, I think soon I am going to be able to get pack to pole class soon. My studio has offered a program of work in trade for pole classes. We are meeting on Saturday, I’m not sure I’ll get the job (assistant work or helping clean the studio ect.)  But I want it so bad. Lately I’ve only been working 8 or so hours a week at my “real” job, so I can easily work the 4-6 hours a week required for this assistant job and have time to take my earnings in the form of a few pole classes a week.  Which would just be so fantastic.

I think when it comes down to it; I’m just in a point in my life right now where I feel like I have no control. There are a lot of things for me in the future but before I can even start to work on them I have to see what happens with other people in my life (My hubby getting a promotion, my father moving to California ect.) and those are things I have no control over. And I cannot start on my stuff until those things are settled.  It’s frustrating.  I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, that is much to strong of a word for what I am feeling now. Just down, I guess, stagnate.  It’s not a good feeling but it’s also not all consuming, I can still find joy in lots of things (friends, movies, my pets, my hunny ect.)But most days I just end up sitting at home watching tv, surfing the net or reading. All of these things I do love mind you, but there is a point when enough is enough.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say in this blog, I guess just trying to organize my thoughts about how I have been feeling as of late. 

I think it is going to get better soon, I have a lot of things coming up that hopefully drag my ass out of sit around mode. Such as this job opportunity at Vertical Fusion, Denver Comic Con and moving next month.  I guess all I can say is wish me luck! 

What do you do to get yourself out of a funk? To keep your self positive? to remind yourself that you are an amazing person no matter what?

There is nothing like fate

Here is the thing, I like myself. I truly do. But who can help the little bit of self-doubt that nags in to back of their mind? I know I can’t. but life is about overcoming these little things we tell ourselves we cannot possible do. We need to tell the world “screw you! I do what I want!” This is the start of my story.

When my best friend found a pole dancing video about a year ago I was instantly enthralled. I had never seen such beauty and strength exhibited in such an amazing way before. Likewise my friend was enraptured as well. A few months later I happened upon a Living Social deal for several pole dance classes at a studio not too far away from where we live. Well, I’m in no shape to do this, but I know she would love it. I told myself, and I forwarded her the information feeling quite proud of myself for helping foster something she felt passionate about.

She has been dancing about 8 months now and I have been in complete awe of her transformation, not just physical but emotionally as well. Never a shy girl or lacking a certain confidence to begin with, she bloomed as she danced. It was amazing to watch.

When the studio opened a new location about 4 months back actually in my town I swore I was going to sign up. Where am I going to get the time? Maybe I should get a gym membership first .. build up some sort of workout …something… I never really work out….

Obviously that never happened. But I went on with my life. Life was busy after all I JUST got married, I am working two jobs. There will be time… Later.

And last night I attended a showcase where she performed for her first time. And I was stunned. Not only by her but by countless other girls who had such strength and devotion. It was empowering to watch. I was truly moved (hell I even cried a few times because the danced where that emotionally charged). I saw the amazing community she had been welcomed into, I am going do to this one day.

Maybe I’ll lose 20 pounds first. Yeah, I’m serious this time I’m going to start working out then I am signing up for classes!

Enter Fate.

The showcase last night was also a fundraiser for a local charity, and as part of their fundraiser  they held a raffle with lots of different prizes including dozens of thing including the Grand Prize over $170 worth of free pole classes. One of my other friends was lamenting that she forgot to bring cash to enter the raffle so I opened my wallet to see if I had any cash to help her out. In my wallet was exactly $5, the cost of a ticket, and I almost handed it over to my friend but last second I decided not to. No, this felt good. Maybe I could win the make-up, or the portrait session, hell even the super fancy fake eyelashes would be fun! That would be cool! So with my $5 in hand I made my way over and bought one ticket, and returned to enjoy the show.

After the show they began the raffle and with each number called I was a little less sure of my initial feeling of being sure to win. That’s how gambling gets you, never go gambling, you are a sucker for this. Hell at one point I even got bored and gave my friend the ticket and went to the bathroom. I returned with only 2 more items to go. And then they called my number. I actually didn’t believe it until my friend started screaming! And then I screamed! And then my dancer friend jumped up and down and hugged me and I went to claim my prize.

Nothing like fate stepping in, nothing like fate telling you “No more excuses damnit!” so here I am on the precipice of change. Yes I’m scared as hell; yes I am not 100% confidante with my body type combined with this style of dance. But you know what else? I don’t care! This is going to be amazing! I will work through my nerves; I will get over my body issues. It will be beautiful.

I am so excited!